When talking to children use plain easy to understand terms.

I am not an expert in grief although I respond to overdoses, suicides and accidents on a regular basis. As a Chaplain I don’t solve their problems or make everything better when I show up. I can provide resources and often when there is a police investigation I can be there when others cannot enter the area.

When you tell them that someone has died tell them “Your father is dead and I am so sorry” or something similar to this. Take this opportunity to tell your children what you believe don’t tell them that “We lost your mother or that their father is gone.” Use terms such as dead and died that are clear.

Example:

“There was an accident and your mother is dead.” Then you can answer questions that the children have and take care not to answer more than they ask. Keep it simple. Spending some time now to prepare what you would say is prudent because when it happens all of us are at a loss for what to say. Don’t lie about what is happened to make it easier. Death is difficult and it happens and will continue to happen.

If it is a small child and their mother died by suicide you could say “ Annie there has been an accident and your mom is dead, and I am so sorry” At this time it is a good time to let them know how much their mother loved them and was proud of them. There may come a time when the child needs more details or wants to know more about how her mother died and that can be handled on a different day or when the child can understand more.

Seeking help from a therapist or grief counseling can also be helpful. If you have read about the stages of grief understand that there is no order nor do they have to go through every stage. It’s ok for people to cry, be angry or to be silent. Don’t tell people not to cry or tell them they should not feel bad. Let people experience what they need to. Be there for them.

When I respond to a death I ask the family member if they believe in life after death and I don’t ask this question in order to teach or convince them of what I believe I ask them and then I listen. I don’t need to tell them what I believe because this is not the time for me to teach it is the time to love and listen.

If they say yes I ask them if they have talked to their children about what they believe and often they will say no they have not and I tell them this is a great opportunity to do so if they decide it is something they would like. One time the father did not feel comfortable telling his children what he believed because he as so distraught so I sat down on the floor and spoke with the children telling them that their father told me that he believes in a life after death and he believes the family will be together after this life.

I ask them if they believe in God or a higher power and most of the time people will say yes and when they do I will tell them to talk to their children about what they believe and often they don’t attend any church which is fine. If people want to pray, pray with them although please understand that some people do not want to pray and that is ok too. If you are religious then you can say a prayer in your heart for them but don’t push your religion on someone at this time in their life.

When people say no they don’t believe in life after death or that they don’t believe in God our discussion is different although both discussions should be handled with care. It’s ok if they don’t believe in life after death or God. “John I am so sorry for your loss.” Putting a hand on his shoulder or when appropriate giving him a hug can mean so much more than words.

Know that when you inform someone that their loved one has died this becomes one of the most difficult days of their life. Give them permission to feel whatever they need to feel. Tell them it is ok if they are upset or if they need to cry.

Often people are in so much shock that they won’t remember the words that have been said to them. Being there for loved ones is so important so helping with doing the dishes , mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage can be very helpful because when we are dealing with a crisis these small chores are the last things on our minds.

Many times if appropriate I will ask the wife or the husband, father or mother “What was Kelly like, what did she like to do and then I will listen?” Most of the time they will tell stories of happy times or their talents and then another family member will bring up another memory. You have to be careful because each circumstance is different and sometimes it is best not to say anything.

After a death in the family it is prudent to make sure people are not alone and that they have the support system that they need. Don’t force people to go to therapy although you can help a family member get a list of groups or therapists and offer to give them a ride if they decide they would like to go that direction.